My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
