Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
