I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
