Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
