On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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