dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You're a waste of cheezeits
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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