Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
