when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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