Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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