Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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