ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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