cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
