I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Come share oat with me in your robe
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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