Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
