So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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