he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
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