I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
