i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
So here I am, sexting at work.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
