last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
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