Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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