i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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