This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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