i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Operation Purity has been aborted
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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