So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Randomize
