i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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