He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
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Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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