Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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