I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
