What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
she told me i tasted like america
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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