Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
