Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
