Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
We had to coat check the pizza.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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