Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize