She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
