Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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