I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
