my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I said "one day" and that day is not today
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
