I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
