when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
