this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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