my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
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why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
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There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry