I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?