I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
