my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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