I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
