"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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