i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
