she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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