im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
