I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
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Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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