Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
