Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Randomize
