I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need a beard to bite.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
