the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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