I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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