i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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